Holy Fu.ck! When did I move back to New England!!! This is totally ridiculous!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were snowed in with BD over the weekend, er actually he was snowed in with us. Both good and bad. He helped shovel, I ate more food in three days than I normally eat in a week! I paid for it last night. My digestive system cannot handle that much cheese and egg and it let me know, very loudly! Yuck!
Anyway, we got two insems in over the weekend, fingers crossed for our 10th try. Wow, ten, how did we get to this place? If this cycle is bust we will be moving on to the RE for testing.
I wanted to put this question out there for more info. For those who have used a known donor and dealt with an RE/sperm bank, what was your experience on getting the "required" quarantine period waived? This lady was able to sign a waiver and be done. I am wondering if her bank(s) is unique...
OK, time to go home and prepare for "snowpocalypse" - part deux
We are officially half way through winter today, BLAH! More bad weather is predicted for the Mid Atlantic over the next several days, the cold has intensified and I am over it all.
Things have been crazy busy at work over the last couple of weeks and as a result my reader count has ballooned to over 600, holy crap! I am quite sure I have missed a lot of announcements so I am sending out a general congrats to all who have given birth or gotten their BFP over the last few weeks! I am trying to catch up reading but it will likely take some time.
So work seems to be picking up, a good thing, right? Only there are some logistical issues with actually receiving the ordered merchandise and things that were ordered at the end of December have yet to arrive (it should only take 3 weeks, 4 tops) so now I find myself forced to stretch the truth to clients' in order to explain the additional wait time (and it means I won't get paid for things ordered in December until February, I have yet to get a check in 2010). It totally sucks but what choice do I have? I can't tell them the truth. The truth being that stuff was held up because we are behind on payments to suppliers and the CFO doesn't seem to care. I discovered yesterday that she hasn't submitted an order I gave her last Tuesday, the order needed to be in by Friday to count toward a contest for items sold. Because she didn't submit the order I am out $195.00! I was livid when I discovered this and, of course, she wasn't in yesterday. I am so over dealing with the lackadaisical attitude she has toward this company! She should be the most worried, it is HER grandfathers company and HER children's legacy, god forbid she had to actually get a job in the real world! She wouldn't last a week without being fired for lateness!
I am at a loss as to what to do. I am scared that the company cannot last much longer if she continues to run it as she is, but it takes so long to build up a client base, if I were able to find another job in my field I would be starting over from scratch, five years of client contacts gone (there is a chance they would find me elsewhere, but probably only if they used my cell or personal email to contact me.) I know from past employees leaving that my information would not be passed on after I am gone. Ugh!
In other news, we met with doctor at Fancy Fertility Factory yesterday for an initial consultation. She was pleasant and didn't seem at all uncomfortable with us (in fact all of the employees were very pleasant and welcoming to us both). She went over her approach to treatment and explained how they deal with donor sperm. They have no problem using KD, however there is a 6 month required quarantine period. I figured this would be the case and had warned S to expect it. For now we are in a holding pattern until AF arrives again, then S will go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood work on CD3 or 4, a week later she will have an HSG to make sure her tubes are open. After the result are in for the test we will have a follow up consult with the doctor to discuss how we wish to proceed. At this point we are planning to continue with home insems and KD will go in for the required testing and donations to get the quarantine period under way. We will see what the tests reveal (if anything) about why we have not conceived as of yet. S is scheduled to ovulate this weekend so we are on track for a Superbowl insem (and at least one more before that). Fingers crossed that we don't need to go thru the testing!
Of course, all of this is subject to change and money will be a big factor in our final decisions.
I wish you all the best, and if I fail to catch up on my reading, please know you are all in my thoughts!
Well, we are almost at the end of another TWW and despite some promising signs (nausea, tiredness, etc.) S is thinking AF will be visiting shortly. sigh.
I really wish spring would hurry up and get here, I am over the cold and I could really use some sunshine and fresh air. The SAD is really bad this year and our financial woes are not helping. I have received no paychecks since Christmas and it was pitiful. I don't no how much longer I can handle this. I have started filling out on line applications for part time work anywhere I can think of. This sucks, big time!
To make matters worse BofA is still jerking us around on the mortgage. It has been six weeks since they received the Fed.Ex envelope containing all of the financial information they wanted. Monday I received a letter stating that they had not received everything they need to process my request, namely 30 days worth of pay stubs. OMFG! I was pissed! They did get 30 days worth, except I only had two checks in that period of time (we get weekly checks) so I included a letter explaining the commission only situation, if there are no commissions I get no check, along with four years of tax returns showing my plummeting income over the past two years. I don't think the imbeciles even read the letter! So I call the special number for the loan modification program and speak to a very lovely (she actually was) lady who informed me that they get 2 - 4 thousand applications a day for this program and sometimes things get lost. Uh, excuse me! This is my personal financial information and shit! And you lost it! WTF! She went on to say that I should re-submit everything I already sent with a letter explaining the situation. Hellllllooooooo I did that already! AND YOU LOST IT!
I don't know what to do about these people anymore! You can never actually speak to someone who has any HELPFUL info to share! At least she was pleasant, I guess.
But here is the thing, we don't have the money to pay them anymore. What can I do?
We have no savings left, no 401k's left and can't ask our parents for more money, there is no where left to turn. I am so tired of this, tired of feeling like I am not contributing anything, tired of feeling like a burden to S. The truth is S was much better off financially before she met me, I have drug her into this, me and the debt my ex dropped in my lap when she walked out. Until this past year we were doing fine, we were paying down the debt and making real progress, without feeling like we were drowning. Then the economy collapsed and so did my income. I feel like a pile of poo and it gets worse by the day... S is always wonderful and comforting and tells me we are in this together, we will get through it. I love her for saying these things to make me feel better, but it doesn't help. I feel like I have been struggling my entire adult life and I am tired. Every time I think I am getting somewhere and making progress toward being debt free, something blows up in my face. It SO depressing. SIGH
One year ago (last Thursday) I posted on this blog for the first time. Another year gone by and not much has changed. We have grown some this past year, but much remains the same, our jobs, while holding on, are still in jeopardy of disappearing, my income has dwindled to near nothing and I am searching for something part time, the BFP eludes us.
2009 comes to a close tomorrow and I can only hope that it takes the anxieties, disappointment and fears of the past year when it does. 2010 has GOT to be better. Right?
cause I am. I can't help, I can't shake it. Every where I go, every where I look. Here are some things that have peeved me recently:
- the beef and broccoli I ordered for dinner last night had more broccoli than beef and the TINY box of rice was barely full, usually rice explodes out of the box (I also felt like the eggroll was smaller than usual) of - impatient @ssh@ts behind the wheel of every vehicle, especially when there is still two inches of slush every where! Slow the f down and stop trying to run me off the road! -the fact that only 3 houses in the neighborhood have bothered to clear the sidewalks on their property, this includes the group mailbox where our mail is now NOT being delivered! Seriously?! -Teenage driver going 30 MPH in the neighborhood and nearly running me and the dog over (also happened to be the next door neighbor) - 20 something driver from two houses over that felt it necessary to tailgate me for MILES and then weave in and out of traffic like a mad man. No wonder he wrecked his last 3 vehicles... -MIL who INSISTS that S needs to cut her hair every.two.weeks or it will not grow. Seriously! If she did that her hair would be up to her ears! Every time S goes home MIL tells her she needs a hair cut (and that she is fat, but that is another topic), including this weekend, except I cut her hair minutes before she left for the trip... -relatives who re-gift expensive video game gifts. OMG! I thought I would explode when S told me her aunt gave away the Wii game we bought her last Christmas! Seriously?! We can't afford to buy each other gifts but we spent money on her and she.gave.it.away!!!
In short, my Christmas spirit has left the building. I can't find it, no matter how I try. I feel lost and sad and hopeless. I wrapped the pathetic gifts we did by for my mom and brother, it didn't take long there are only two.
No news on the TTC front. We are waiting and trying to be hopeful. S has decided not to test and just wait for AF.
Sorry I have been such a downer lately, just can't get past this hopelessness. Work has not improved, it has actually gotten slower (I can hardly believe that is possible) and I am getting worried that they may end up going out of business in the very near future. I don't even want to think about what I will do if that happens. *sigh* If there is light at the end of this long tunnel, I cannot see it yet...
This week is going by so slowly! I think I am coming down with the cold that has been going around the office. My throat has been sore and scratchy since yesterday, have the "medicine head" feeling and now am starting to cough and become even more congested than normal (as if such a thing is even possible).
We did get some good news, for the time being at least, S's position is safe. She had a chat with her boss's boss yesterday, in which he told her that she is safe for the immediate future. Basically, even though the development of her particular product is being off shored, the support will still be done from here, so her job is not going anywhere right now. We'll see how long that lasts!
Have I ever mentioned how much I despise corporate America? Ugh, it is so corrupt and despicable! A few slime balls are getting rich off the labor and toil of hundreds of workers' who get paid little to nothing for the amount of work they do. Hmmm, sounds familiar? Like the industrial revolution all over again, instead of the workers' being in dirty and dangerous factories they are in brightly lit (and only somewhat less dirty or dangerous) office building staring blankly at computer screeens all day...
Bitter? who me? Never! Disenchanted with this country right now? Maybe a little... *sigh*
We did 2 insems over the weekend, so we should know right around xmas if it worked... I just don't have any "feelings" telling me it will. I am not 100% on our timing the go 'round.
In other news we ARE holding our breath to see if S will still have a job after January 4th. Her company announced just before Thanksgiving (seriously?!? WHY do companies do this???) that they are cutting 2,500 people, or a third of their workforce! They offered a voluntary separation package where S could get 3 months severance for leaving, she decided not to.
We are still waiting for confirmation from BofA that they received the documents FedExed to them two weeks ago (I have a confirmation and tracking number that says they signed for it on 12/3, however THEY don't seem to know that it arrived). I called last Wednesday after checking the tracking # online, after an hour on the phone all I got was "We have no information at this time. Call back later or wait to hear from us." OMG, I think I might just loose my mind!
Then on Friday I received a phone call from an Unknown number. Knowing that BofA comes up this way occasionally, I answered, even though I was at work and have crappy signal in the office. THe pleasnat and cheery voice that greeted me (this is TOTALLY sarcastic, the woman couldn't have been more disinterested or monotone) asked me if I have received and returned the "time sensitive" papers I was sent!?! EXCUSE ME!?!
Needless to say, I nearly lost it and went off on her. Of course I couldn't do that at work, but I did inform her that, "Yes I had received the papers, yes I had filled them out and sent them back with all of the requested supporting documentation (and even some extras they didn't ask for), in fact I have a tracking number from FedEx that says they were received and signed for on 12/3." Her response? *in monotone voice that would drive anyone CRAZY* "OK Ma'am, I will notate the account that you received the papers."
OK, WTF? Not even an "I'm sorry for the confusion." or " We will locate the package immeadiately." Nothing. I am gearing up for the next phone call to them. I have tried to communicate with them online, but all I ever get in response is a note telling me to call the main customer service line. They have no clue whatsoever what I need and end up transferring me all over creation. This is why a 5 minute conversation took an hour last week.
Seriously, they need to hire some people who can do more than read from a script! I can tell when I am hearing a scripted call and this is exactly what she was doing! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! They burn my butt!!!!!!!!!!!
AF has come (and gone) again. She arrived just in time for Thanksgiving dinner, spiteful bitch! We are moving on and looking to the next try and forming a plan for beyond that. S has contacted a local big fertility factory and we are awaiting information on scheduling a consultation.
The trip to NYC went OK, no big festivities, just a small family dinner, Dim Sum and lunch with S's cousin and family (2 year old daughter included).
We made significant progress cleaning/organizing the house this weekend and we finally managed to bring some furniture (futon couch and curio cabinet) and (most of) my Christmas decorations from storage. The tree is not up yet, but Christmas is slowly springing up throughout the house, of course that has prompted S to repeatedly remark on "How much I MUST love you", if she is letting me spew my Christmas cheer EVERYWHERE!
Next up, continue last minute deep cleaning prior to Meme arriving in two days!
Today is cd30.... No signs of AF yet, we continue to wait. S has not tested yet, but I think she will break down and test tomorrow. She has been having lots of "sensations" or "twinges" in her lower abdominal/pelvic area and is incredibly "bloated and puffy" over her pubic bone (just underneath her panty line). We have noticed during previous cycle that she tends to bloat somewhat in this area, but never this much. *sigh*
I hope this is it, I hope this is our cycle, our month, our turn.
One of S's co-workers confided to her that his wife is pregnant (they have been trying for *gasp* several months). S said she is 16DPO so we are only days apart in this cycle.
I hope this is it, I hope this is our cycle, our month, our turn.
I have a big lump on my forehead where the car door attacked me yesterday. Seriously! It just reached out and smacked me over my left eye. I saw stars. *sigh* Klutz! How can you hit yourself, in the head, with a car door?!? At least I managed to do it AFTER leaving my clients' house! sheesh!
Work has been fairly busy for the last week or so, lots of lookers, not takers... *sigh* I just feel so useless most days. I sit at work for eight hours four or five or six days a week doing busy work and quoting numbers to people and I make nothing, unless someone actually buys the stuff. I am selling a few things here and there, but it is all small stuff. A vanity or two and tops, a small kitchen and a laminate top. $400 here $2000 there. It's something, just not enough. Not nearly enough, not when my insurance premiums are $50 a week and don't forget taxes and medicare and all that good stuff. Not when an "average" kitchen sale is typically $10,000.00! It is very discouraging!
BofA has not yet responded to my request for loan modification. They were supposed to respond within 30 days. It has been almost 60. *grumble grumble*
I am going to send a message today asking about it. If we get no response, Decembers payment will not be made, then we will inform them that we can no longer make the payments and see what they say. I know we are playing with fire but, I feel like it is the only option we have left. Because we are current on payments they don't feel any urgency to help us and we do not qualify for the supposed re-fi and payment modification programs.
It is absolutely ridiculous and the reason this country is in the state it is! If these @ssh0le mortgage companies would have just TRIED to work with people who had the "bad" loans, to renegotiate new terms, maybe we could have all been saved the misery of today's economy. After the fiasco with the re-fi in September, I am just bitter.
Bitter with BofA and feeling like I don't matter to them (they are SO HUGE, they have SO MANY clients', what do they care about ME? I am NO ONE to them), bitter at a government that continually dissappoints me, bitter at a president who throws money at big business like it is candy, but screws the little guy (ie the people he was supposed to be helping, the people who got him elected in the first place). I don't know who or what to beleive anymore. I don't feel like there is ANY news orginization out there who is telling us the truth, the whole truth. They ALL have an agenda and beyond that, they can only dole out the information they are given. Who knows what the truth is? Who knows what is really in the health reform bills? Right know I have lost faith in the ability of our government to turn the country around. I can't see the light at the end of that proverbial tunnel.
I want to be happy and cheery and enjoy the holiday season, but I just don't feel it 90% of the time. Then I walk into a store with all of the Xmas decorations and I long to put up a tree this year (I have not done this the last three years, since the ex left and S "doesn't do" xmas decorations), I long to unpack all of my beautiful Fenton with the snowman scene painted on it, to play with all of the plush figures of Pooh and Friends who sing and bounce along to the music. But then I think of how empty the tree will look with no gifts under it and wonder if it is worth the effort and time to pull it all out of storage (in the basement of our currently rented house), trek it 30 miles to S's dad's house (where we are currently residing) and put it out, only to have to pack it all back up again.
I am feeling blah and lazy and not motivated... The house needs work. My grandmother will be here next Wednesday and the house it still a disater. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, I don't now where to start. I try to clean a little everyday but I don't feel like I ever make any progress. I clean up one area only to discover it cluttered and dirty again within days. I just don't understand! How is this possible? And how will I possibly be able to keep the house clean when there is a crying baby to contend with?!? How do people do it? I just don't know!
The hits just keep on coming, there are now two more members of our family terminally ill. That brings the total for this year to 5! We are both so emotionally worn out from all of this, on top of ttc, it is absurd. We hibernated all weekend, only leaving the house to pick up food yesterday.
Ugh! And we entered another tww yesterday with insem #1. #2 will be tonight and 3 tomorrow. Please let this be the month for us!
We had a brief conversation with BD last week. We have decided that, if S is not pregnant by the New Year, we will be seeking a more medical route, including additional testing for BD (his volume has been lower with each cycle and was not spectacular to start.) I think it is a good idea, but don't think either S or BD have a clue about the red tape we will be required to make our way thru, being two lesbians and a gay man, or if we will even be able to find an RE/clinic who will work with us, not to mention quarantine time.
More on BD, I have made helpful suggestions regarding increased water consumption, taking vitamins/supplements and keeping the damn laptop off his lap. Nothing seems to have made a difference. He is blaming it on stress and nervousness. Uhm, we have been at this for awhile now, shouldn't he be over the nervousness? I dunno, I am just stretched too thin every where else right now, I feel like I could snap any second.
One week into this TWW and there have been some good signs. Slight spotting over the weekend (7DPO), "twinges" and acid reflux is in high gear.
The sun is finally back out here (even if it is chilly out) after 3 plus days of rain. Ugh! We did very little over the weekend. I managed to go thru a few piles of stuff and do a bit of cleaning, not nearly as much as I would've liked.
I had pulled the trigger and ordered a few items for redoing the first room inside. I chose the main floor bathroom, as it is the one all of our guests see. I will attempt before and after pics, it is tiny so I am not sure how much I will be able to capture.
I found this over a year ago and decided it was the sink I wanted to use for this project. The Cabinet/counter top will be a dark (almost black) maple with Oil-Rubbed Bronze pulls. This is the faucet. I have ordered the sink, once it is in a final paint color choice will be made. I am leaning towards a sage base with color washing of a deeper shade... We'll see...
I spent an entire day (at work =0p) searching for all the components. Under $1000 for everything (30" Vanity cabinet and top, sink, faucet, mirror, light fixture, knobs, towel holder, tissue paper holder and paint/supplies)(if you have ever priced fixtures for a bathroom, you know how exciting this is). I am excited to be moving forward with the decorating of the house, though a bit disappointed on S's enthusiasm. She just isn't interested and would let me make all the decisions, except I insist she give me her input. *SIGH*
I have not ordered the faucet, mirror or light fixture yet. Those items can be ordered once the sink is in and paint has been purchased... I want to do this slowly, even though I can pay for the cabinet and misc hardware out of my work account and purchased the sink with bonus money. I don't want to feel overwhelmed by spending too much money at once on this... We will paint and put up new towel holder and replace the current pedestal sink with my purchased vanity/top and vessel bowl when the cabinet arrives. I will order the faucet shortly and then the light fixture. I have not made a final decision on the mirror. I may just keep the one already installed.
Mere months after my (nearly) 8 year relationship ended, I found myself falling in love again. It was completely out of the blue, unexpected, wonderful and scary as hell, all at the same time.
After seven plus years with the same woman (my first serious relationship of any kind), I was made newly single in July 2006. I didn’t know what to do with myself and soon reached out to C, an unlikely confidant and friend. You see, C is the reason my ex and I had nearly split two years earlier.My ex decided she wanted to pursue C romantically, but C would have none of it and gracefully removed herself from the situation. We continued to see C on occasion, but were not close by any means, so I was surprised when C and I became fast friends, spending nearly every evening out or at my house.One day C asked if I would like to join her and some of her friends for a BBQ after work. It seems that her friend, S, had recently started gathering friends for a mid-week “Supper Club”.It sounded great so I went. We had a great time and my homemade potato salad was a smash hit!S was nice, very genuine, but otherwise occupied by an out of state girlfriend (referred to as KY), so I gave little thought to her beyond being new friend.I continued joining the “Supper Club” for the next few weeks, missing only the week I went on vacation.
We are now up to three years ago, next week.At Supper club, when I returned from my vacation, I learned that S had broken up with KY.It just wasn’t working for her, for several reasons. We stood outside talking at length about how we just wanted to have a group of good friends to hang out with, how we weren’t interested in anything serious at the moment (both for our own, very different, reasons).I found myself cracking jokes and teasing with her about different subjects and remarked that I was in an unbelievably good mood, given the date.You see, that day would have marked my anniversary with the ex. I had every right to think I would be curled up in a ball crying over my lost love that day; instead I was out having a good time, laughing and making jokes.
The next night we (S, C, D and I) met out for drinks and a few games of pool.Nothing out of the ordinary happened, until I went to leave and was informed by the bartender that my tab had already been paid.Hmmm…
The day after, C brought S to my house to hang and watch TV.S didn’t seem her normal self, somewhat reserved, shy almost.Being clueless, and a complete novice in the dating world, I did not recognize her awkwardness for what it was and chalked it up to her being tired or something.I would soon find out the truth, something had clicked for her during our, soul baring, conversation two days prior and she was now interested, very interested.
Skip ahead two more days… C calls to ask if I want to go watch football, at some bar I had never heard of, with her, S and some others. I answered sure (anything to get out of raking leaves for a few hours) and met them there. At first, C (being even more clueless than I) sat between S and I, so we weren’t able to talk easily. When C went to the ladies’ room, S swiftly slid over to steal her stool. We chatted easily about, well, nothing much, until the game ended and the group decided to head to another bar several blocks away.I went along, walking next to S, still chatting about nothing in particular. Continue scene at new bar, S and I chatting with the group.I am not sure when it happened but at some point S slipped her hand into mine and squeezed.I felt a rush of heat flood my face and thought I might just pass out.I squeezed her hand in response and gave a kind of half grin.
It was getting to be evening now; I had not eaten in hours and was getting very tired from the excitement of the day. I said my goodbyes to the group and started to leave, until the terrible realization that I had NO IDEA how to get back to my car. I had parked in a lot several blocks from the first bar and had no clue where I now was, in relation to my car. Slightly embarrassed, I confessed to S that I didn’t know how to get back to my car.She laughed and asked where I had parked.I had no idea other than I was a couple blocks from first bar.I explained the turns I had made to get to first bar from my car and she immediately knew where I had parked (and how to get me back there) so she offered to walk me. Off we went, hand in hand.
As it turns out, I was closer than I thought to my car. Too quickly we were standing next to my car, awkwardly searching for words to say goodbye, she leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips.
**Cue Fireworks**
We exchanged numbers and email and I headed home, elated and confused by the events of the day.
The following Wednesday (also known as Supper Club day) was my 30th birthday. S threw a surprise party for me.We again stood outside talking. S looked at me and said, “I really like you, but I don’t want to cross any boundaries.” I melted into a puddle, right there at her feet.She knew my history, knew how badly I had been treated in the past, knew how gun shy I was to start anything so soon after my breakup. And yet, I felt completely comfortable and safe with her.The other guests left and we continued to talk, sitting curled up together on the couch. We began kissing and I knew it was time to go home, it was late, I lived 40 minutes away and if I didn’t leave now, chances are I wouldn’t leave at all.Being the total prude that I am, I was not ready for a sleepover so we said our goodbyes and I drove home.
The days and weeks that followed were a wonderful blur of emotions. By Thanksgiving we were nearly inseparable, spending several nights a week together. It felt right, comfortable, to be with her and I knew I had fallen, head over heels, in love.It wasn’t long before S broached the subject of children and, despite my previous experiences and reservations, I found myself liking the idea.We continued spending several nights a week together, but not technically living together, for the next year and a half.
In July 2007, S went to her cousins wedding. Upon returning home she announced she had picked a date for our wedding (we had discussed this subject before, but it was always a vague “somewhere down the line” conversation).I asked her when that might be and she responded, August 8th 2008. I thought about it for a minute and agreed, without even knowing what day of the week it would fall on.The year that followed was full of researching and planning and budgeting for our wedding. It was exciting and beyond stressful. In the end, despite several near meltdowns on my part (I will never understand how the florist managed to screw up “two bouquets, exactly the same” or how the “Mothers’ of” corsage’s became single flowers to carry), we were completely happy with how it went (even if it did fly by in what felt like minutes) and so happy to have had so many good friends and family there to witness our love and commitment to one another.
Like all relationships, we have our bad days, but it never lasts for long. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her in it; she is my life, my soul mate, my wife and the mother of my future child.
I will leave you with the quote we put on the invitations, I think it sums up how our relationship began well:
“Came but for friendship and took away love” -Thomas Moore
we did a third insem last night. I surprised S and switched things up a bit. I did not use the cervical cap for this insem, just a syringe and catheter. It went well, very little to no leakage.
KD's volume seemed a bit low this month, not sure what to make of it. Hopefully this is the cycle for us, we'll see.
I was inspired by this entry and want to post the story of how S and I got to where we are, but I will save that for another day.
